Almost
by Lady Nikka
Summary: Almost. That was a word that had an exponential value at the moment. It held a plethora of opportunities. Sam almost let himself scoff at the word that she had used just this afternoon correcting him while they waited for their informant to show.


_**First of all, this last episode sucked majorly. I think I was actually tearing up. That break up was brutal. Screw Sam! (sorry needed to get that out even if the mature part of me understands) and I never thought I'd say this, but based on the previews, go Luke! And I seriously hope Chris gives it to Sam more than the previews show. **_

_**Secondly, I really got a kick out the reviews and your feedback, all of which has been overly generous and extremely helpful in encouraging me to keep going! Also, thank you for the well wishes about my health, I've determined that I'm not allowing this to be something until the post-surgery results say it's something. But for now, I'm trying to minimize and compartmentalize because I refuse to let it interfere now that I've wrapped my head around the possibility. **_

_**And all of you other writers out there, in case I haven't gotten a chance to review, your work is simply amazing and I adore reading and getting caught up on all of your stories. You're all fabulous and put me to shame any day (not that I thought I held a candle to begin with, but I wanted to say it)!**_

_**Episode 10 is always so damn emotionally charged with this show! Damn! Alright enough out of me, here's my reaction. Just a quickie, not planning on it being anything major.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, because if I did, Andy would've (or would in the next episode) punch Sam :)**_

_**oOoOoOoOoOo**_

He almost regretted what he sad and the pain in her eyes when she registered his words. Almost stopped in his tracks and pulled her into him. He almost apologized for saying what he felt in that moment, almost regretted telling her that they were a mistake, he almost hated himself for walking away when she dared him when he promised he'd never leave without a fight.

Well that's what this was right, he reasoned with himself? He promised that he wouldn't leave without a fight and he fought. Sure it was one sided, well mostly. Him just lashing out in anger, words spewing every one of his insecurities, him playing on every single with an expertise that should have sickened him. He almost worried that his foulness would taint her. Her almost hoped it did, then maybe, just maybe he wouldn't have ripped both of their hearts out.

He almost stopped when he heard the sob from her throat. There was almost an infinitesimal falter in his footing on the rain soaked pavement. He almost looked over at her as he drove away, almost felt let the bile threatening to rise up his throat decorate the interior of his truck. In that moment, he almost convinced himself to fix this before he lost her.

Almost.

That was a word that had an exponential value at the moment. It held a plethora of opportunities. Sam almost let himself scoff at the word that she had used just this afternoon correcting him while they waited on Dale to show up to the meet.

He digressed and he almost cared.

Almost. That was the word that stuck in his throat. He almost pressed her that day at the station, almost opened his mouth to convince her take it easy and let Jerry take the lead on finding Gail. He almost told her she wasn't at fault at that Gail wasn't missing because she had been knocked and drugged by a man in her home in the middle of the night when she should have been safe.

He'd almost made a joke to Oliver about her being late that morning, almost was about to make a quip at Nash about girls feeling the need to stay up all nigh and down the night away with more drinking and dancing. His concern was almost blown out of the water at Nash's ignorance of knowing where McNally was that morning.

He almost thought about sitting through Frank's entire parade announcements that morning before calling her. He almost ignored that gut feeling, but was almost afraid of what would happen if that occurred. He almost reverted back to the scared nine year old boy who was told that his sister was assaulted when he she told him he was attacked, and he almost passed out, yes the big bad Swarek almost passed out when he first saw the needle mark in her neck.

He almost lost it knowing that he almost lost her that night and he been at home and sleeping soundly not even feeling that she was in trouble. He almost told her in the heat of the moment how he felt about her solely out of fear of her blaming him for not being there for her. For not keeping her safe.

He almost begged her to slow down, to not feel at fault. Almost told her to hang back despite the feeling in her gut that he taught her to believe in and let Jerry take the lead. He almost wanted to convince her to be the victim for the day. She had been the injured party even she hadn't been _the_ victim.

He almost figured it out in time, that it wasn't the bartender that it was the cabbie. He almost let his anger at the man that could have assaulted her mask the facts. He almost broke the speed limit laws to get to that cabbie's house.

He almost made it there on time to save his best friend. Sam just needed to be there ten minutes, hell even five minutes earlier and he could have done something. He almost saved his best friend that day, but his mediocre first aid skills had been hindered by panic that that had been his best friend laying in a pool of his own blood.

At the hospital that night, he almost felt jealous of McNally sitting next to Nash holding her hand. He almost wanted to screw that the woman he wanted so desperately to protect and keep safe was trying to hold her best friend together because he had almost told her that his dead friend had a better point before they went their separate ways.

He almost blamed her. Almost hated her. But he couldn't. Not in that moment, he wasn't sure he ever could.

That's how it had landed them at tonight. Him almost smashing his bottle of beer against the wall while his best friend's fiance tearfully read the wedding speech. He almost walked over to her and held her as she willed herself to stay still so as not to be noticed by any of her friends. He almost wanted to soothe the hurt she was feeling at his behavior and lashing out at her, he almost wanted to cling to her and sob letting down every wall he'd ever had so that she could help him rebuild again.

Almost.

Such a loaded word, laced with multiple meanings and innuendos. Sam Swarek wasn't really sure what he was supposed to take away from this introspection right now, but he knew that he was almost through the bottle of scotch that Jerry had bought him when Jerry and Oliver had razzed him for the entire poker night about finally getting with McNally.

"We'll drink that the night before you marry her," Jerry had grinned at him despite Sam scoffing at his friend. Sam almost wanted to deck his friend. Hell he was almost startled that Jerry was able to hit that dream on the head. Sam could have almost hoped that night that it would come true.

Almost.

That was what was going to sum his relationship with Andy McNally,the Lion Heart. She had stood there in the cold and braved his attitude with only minor reactions. She had almost pushed enough buttons to get him to tell her something meaningful.

Instead all her did was crush her hopes and rip out both of their hearts. He almost went to church to beg for forgiveness for breaking his vow that he'd always be there for her, always have her back. Sam Swarek had almost convinced himself that what he was doing was what he had actually sworn himself to do for her.

Yes, the scotch and the loneliness of his dark house, had almost convinced him that this was all for her protection. He almost lost her, was almost selfish enough to put it all on her, and almost convinced himself that this was the right decision.

Swallowing the last of the aged whiskey, he had choked back a bitter laugh as an errant thought.

Almost doesn't count.

_**OooOoOoOo**_

_**This was painful to write, but I wanted it out because I'm just trying to understand. I'm still left thinking, wow, what a wedge. I hope they fix this before the end of the season or it's gonna be a looong nine months!**_


End file.
